几周以后，这位母亲来复诊。

我身体前倾，托着腮，仔细地聆听着她的进展。她坐在我对面，身子被柔软的沙发包裹，讲述着和女儿打破了原本舞步后的几个新回合。她准备好了尝试新的舞步，也代表着要迎接对方未知的回应。

纽约的深冬总要下几场大雪。窗外，苍白的天空悄然飘起了雪花，温柔地抚摸着地上的人们。屋内，我们专注地聊着内心的色彩，外面的世界淡成了黑白灰。

上次从诊间离开后，她一边走一边想，像困在笼子里的鸟，踱步徘徊，走完了大半个曼哈顿。她明白自己终须直面和女儿的矛盾，这段关系才可能有转机。但现在和女儿直接交锋，她实在做不到。后来她想了个折中的办法，请求女婿来传话。她忐忑地做全准备，把想说的写下来，练了又练，专门趁女儿出差的时候，给女婿打了电话。

她说，最让她受伤的是当她需要钱的时候，女儿却说要收利息，这让她无法接受。她觉得女儿不知感恩，在母亲看来，本来是她好意赠予女儿的房产，赚来的房租却被女儿独吞了，这并不是她本意。（详情请看第一话）

在女儿面前憋着不敢说的，终于在女婿面前找到出口，越说越起劲。女婿好声好气，表示理解母亲，也为女儿打起圆场。女婿说一定会找时机传话，女儿现在情绪也很激动，自从上次两人在电话中不欢而散后，女儿也一直处在低迷中。

“然后呢，女儿怎么说？”我关心地问。

女儿回话了，先是说了一堆无关紧要的事，好像一切从未发生过，最后绕完弯子，终于说出了她的决定。她矢口否认有说过收利息这件事。当初她同意接受这个房子就是因为她想财务上和母亲划清界限，她的归她，母亲的归母亲。既然母亲现在又表明需要钱，她想好了，可以放弃房产，反赠回给母亲。即使这样税务上会很麻烦，她也再所不惜。房租的事大家都没有再提，至于为什么做如此决定要和母亲清算帐，她没有说，母亲也没有问。

第一回合，母亲攻，女儿退，算是没踩对方的脚。

我问她表达完自己愤怒后的感觉，她说如释重负。虽然女儿没有道歉，但也没有强占房产，也许女儿对她并不完全是金钱上的利用。接下来的几天里，母亲感觉身体都轻松了。

这让我想起她当初来找我看诊的原因。她在两个月之内，进了三次急诊，以为自己得了心脏病，突然气短、胸闷、眼冒金星、眩晕。一次是在逛超市，一次是在家刚吃完早餐，最后一次是在傍晚和亲友吃饭，预先都毫无征兆。查了半天，除了血压血脂略高之外，没有任何其它指标非正常。医院说让她来看精神科，她十分诧异，带着诸多疑问，半信半疑地来了。认识了我，也开始认识了自己。

这种情况其实并不少见，她的诊断是恐慌症。人们一般认为恐慌症是在当事人情绪激动的情况下发作，就像电视剧里演的那样。但现实中往往是在没有任何征兆的情况下，突然出现。因为情绪积压的太久，终于在感觉安全的某刻，大坝决口，泉涌而出，以至身体骤然之间超负荷。

情绪有很多形态。它有颜色，是红黄绿灯，引导我们在人生的道路上前进的节奏。它有形状，有温度。时而浑圆柔软，把我们裹住，温暖滋润；时而棱角尖锐，扎心刺痛，寒气逼人。它也有重量，有时让我们飘飘然，有时压得我们沉甸甸。唯独看不见摸不着，它住在身体里，牵动着我们所有的感官和记忆。就算我们想假装它不存在，但总骗不过身体。日复一日，年复一年地积压，没有得到疏解的情绪，身体都记得。

通常遇到这种情况，我会跟患者做长期治疗。治疗要经历几个阶段，第一阶段开始感知自己的情绪，重新认识情绪的作用和价值。第二阶段开始接受情绪，允许情绪，接受自己。第三阶段学习不压抑自己，适度表达，重新和身边的人相处。这些听起来容易，但做起来非常困难。每一个阶段都要扒一层皮，从过去的舒适区中走出来，换一次信仰，经历一次觉醒。这位母亲从一步步地认识自己，到敢于表达，已经经历了七年。她现在有力量处理和女儿长久以来的矛盾，也是这些年的成长带来的蜕变。她能感觉到身体上卸下情绪武装后的轻松，我很欣慰。

第一回合和女儿的交锋算是告一段落，紧接着，后患就来了。

第二回合，母亲不再攻了，但女儿继续退。

听到女儿愿意放弃房产，母亲心里安慰了很多。但之后一次次的邀约，都被女儿以太忙为理由，拒绝了。

她得知女儿回国了，可整个期间没有打过一个电话。尽管所有人都问她，你妈妈还好吗？她也没有主动给母亲任何消息。让母亲意识到问题严重的，是终于接通电话时女儿客气而生疏的语气。没有表露什么，十分礼貌，非常表面，仿佛她们之间真的隔了千山万水。

“后来我还是想缓和一下。我给她发了短信，说我可以给她送饭，帮她喂猫。她下飞机回来已经是午夜了，回来有口热饭吃。” 母亲说，“你猜她怎么回我？”

还没等我回答，她就自问自答地说，“她只回了一句 “真的吗？”。我看到了这句 “真的吗”，心情难以形容。我觉得她也和我有一样的感受，也许她也不敢再奢望妈妈的爱。我们都很小心。我觉得我们的关系就是这样了吧，渐行渐远。” 她哽咽地说，抬手默默地拭去眼泪。

母亲给女儿的爱都包在那热腾腾的饭里，希望女儿能从味蕾里感知她想说的话，一口一口，喂着她的温情，喂着她的留恋，喂着她的心酸。但女儿吃了，什么也没回应。日子就这样过着，两个人又假装什么事都没发生，回到了平行线。

眼看就要留下母亲独舞了，空荡荡的。直到有一天，第三回合爆发了。

母亲要填一个税表，但是需要密码才能打开，她发了个短信给女儿，问她是否记得。女儿愤怒地打回电话，破口大骂：“我之所以一百多万都不要了，就是不想再去操这些心！你现在又来找我，浪费我的时间，我本来在做别的事情，却要停下来十几分钟的时间，去帮你找密码！我就是要和你切割，不要再为这些事烦我！” 女儿非常愤怒，决绝的语气，把母亲吓得说不出话来。

母亲止不住的眼泪，难过极了。她可以为女儿花几小时，精心准备食材，搭配出女儿喜欢的口味，奔波劳累连夜送饭，生怕饭菜凉了就不好吃了。而女儿连十几分钟也不肯施舍给她，反而劈头盖脸地骂了她一通。说着委屈，母亲的声音又哽咽了。

舞步乱了，女儿的脚重重地踩在了母亲的脚上，痛得直钻心。

经过这三个回合的角逐，我能感觉到她的疲惫和绝望。她白皙的脸上皱纹明显，眼里期待的光被眼泪遮盖着，没了那点光，整个人都暗淡了。

窗外原本轻柔的雪片渐渐密集，铺天盖地压下来，好像铁了心要掩埋这世间的一切。

我的心情也跟着沉重起来。在我看来，这么多的撕扯，都围绕着一个主题。但我要怎么点破这个僵局，让母亲明白呢？

婴儿在还是单细胞的时候，依附在温暖的子宫里，所有养分都通过血液由母亲单方面供给，孩子享受着母体的邀请，尽情地做索取者。出母胎之后，母亲继续担任照顾者的角色，随时待命满足孩子的各种需求。随着时间推移，孩子变成大人，母亲变成老人，需要照顾，角色渐渐颠倒，这个转变发生在不知不觉中。孩子对照顾者的新角色通常是被动接受。几股力量，包括责任的牵绊，儿时的回忆，以及耳濡目染下对爱的理解，编织成维系母子关系新的脐带。孩子要放下拿的身份，做出给的动作，需要挣扎地原谅母亲的过失，处理关系中的失望，不再期待一份完美的爱，才能甘愿接受这份担当。

她们的问题出现在爱的体验上。女儿可以做到放弃财产，给母亲物质上的满足，就像母亲曾经给她的那样。过去，只要能让女儿接受好的教育，去英国上私校，母亲花多少钱都再所不惜。但女儿始终等不来母亲的安慰。她在国外寂寞孤单一人的时候，只希望母亲能多陪她一会儿，可是等来的只有母亲不耐烦的督促，不要多想，抓紧时间，好好学习。

女儿还在渴望和等待母亲能在情感上呵护理解她。要从女儿有伤痛的脐带里，孕育出对母亲晚年的孝顺，她们两人都在阵痛中挣扎，这段关系难产了。

“你觉得她想从你这里得到什么？” 我问到了问题的核心。

“我真的不知道。” 她长叹了一口气，双臂抱腰，茫然不知所措地回答。这就是她们之间对不上的讯号。

这个问题悬在空中，我和这位母亲都陷入了沉思。

谈到这里，时间到了。我还想说些安慰她的话，但都显得空洞。不是每次看诊都是温馨治愈的体验，有时我们要有耐心等待休止符。

她也和我极有默契，收起眼泪，披上大衣，再次走出去面对她生命中的寒冷。

送她走出诊间后，我也结束了一天的看诊。天色渐暗，踏着大雪回家，外套把我裹得严严实实的，但心情还是被刚才的对话刺透了。也许因为我身上也重叠着女儿和母亲的双重身份，也在照顾者和被照顾者的角色转换之间体验着各种复杂的情绪。看着路上的人们在雪中穿梭，他们当中又有多少人也在此刻经历着关系中的挣扎。

晚上回到家，我卸下医生的工作，上岗当起妈妈来。

忙碌了一天，吃完晚饭，按部就班地走完哄睡的程序，把小朋友们安置到床上。看着他们稚嫩的小脸，摸着他们软软的小手，很难想象也许有一天，我们的关系也会出现裂痕。孩子自出生起，从母亲的身体里出来后，彼此就要不断地经历分离。想到这里，我情不自禁地说，“妈妈永远爱你们。” 女儿已经睡着，还醒着的儿子对我试探地回答道，“可我只在每小时里，爱你半小时。半小时爱你，半小时不爱你。” 他天生古灵精怪，常常语出惊人。

我不假思索地回答，“呐，在你不爱我的半小时里，我依然爱你。我的爱不会停歇，永远都在。” 他听了歪了歪脑袋，搂着我亲了一口，嫩声嫩气地说，“那我也永远爱你”， 说完就侧过身，安然睡去了。

在黑暗的房间里，我独自咀嚼着他的童言稚语，还有白天这位母亲悬而未决的问题。他们的话在我耳边回响，荡漾在这寂静的夜晚，形成鲜明的对比，依稀地勾勒出了母爱的轮廓，引导着我找出答案。我想，既然是母亲把孩子带到这个世界，就有义务在感觉不到孩子爱的半小时里，有勇气继续爱，不计较得失，让孩子尽情挥霍这份安全感。这位母亲正在经历这备受考验的半小时。

在那半小时里，母亲要经历丧失后悲伤的五个阶段：否认，愤怒，讨价还价，忧郁，和接受。中间还夹杂着忍耐、委屈、指责、悔过、不甘、漠然、包容，最终走向妥协，选择等待，希望下半个小时孩子会回心转意。母爱从来就是不由自主地给，想停也停不下来，就算疲惫不堪，心神耗尽。

也许女儿从母亲那里需要的，就是在自己背过身去的半小时里，听到一句母亲的安慰。就像婴儿时，爬出去几步远，就要回头看看，确认妈妈还在，才能安心地继续前进。

答案渐渐浮出脑海，我还有一样东西可以教她，就是如何用语言的魔力直接地，及时地表达内心炽热却说不出口的爱，而不是用替代品让对方等待猜测，反而加深了她们之间误会的迷云。把女儿的心用语言喂饱，或许可以帮她扭转局面。我起身去写邮件，约她下次回诊。

抬起头来一望，窗外的雪终于停了。

(未完待续）

A few weeks later, my patient came back for a follow-up appointment.

Leaning forward, chin resting on my hand, I listened attentively to her updates. She sat across from me, enveloped by the soft couch, recounting the new rounds of interaction with her daughter after breaking their old patterns. She had braced herself for a new dance, which also meant facing unpredictable moves.

New York’s deep winter always brings a few heavy snowfalls. Outside the window, pale skies quietly dropped delicate snowflakes, gently caressing the people below. Inside, we were immersed in discussing the colors of feelings, while the outside world faded into shades of black, white, and gray.

After leaving my office last time, she had walked and walked, like a caged bird pacing restlessly, covering nearly half of Manhattan. She knew she had to confront the conflicts with her daughter head-on if their relationship was to have any hope of change. But facing her daughter directly still felt too daunting. Eventually, she thought of a compromise—asking her son-in-law to pass on a message. She prepared carefully, writing down everything she wanted to say, practicing over and over before finally calling him while her daughter was away on a business trip.

She told him that what hurt her the most was her daughter’s insistence on charging interest when she needed money—something she simply couldn’t accept. In her eyes, the apartment she had gifted to her daughter was a gesture of goodwill, yet now her daughter was pocketing the rent entirely, misunderstanding her original intentions. (For details, see episode 1)

With her daughter, she had always held back. But with her son-in-law, the words flowed freely, gathering momentum as she spoke, getting more and more heated. He responded kindly, expressing understanding toward the mother while also mediating on behalf of his wife. He assured her he would find the right moment to pass along the message, explaining that her daughter was still upset after their last heated phone call and had been in a low mood ever since.

“And then? What did your daughter say?” I asked attentively.

Her daughter eventually replied, but first with a string of irrelevant small talk, as if nothing had happened. Only after circling around did she finally get to the point—her decision. She flatly denied ever mentioning charging interest. She explained that the only reason she had accepted the apartment in the first place was to establish financial independence from her mother—what was hers would remain hers, and what belonged to her mother would remain her mother’s. Now that her mother had expressed a need for money, she had made up her mind: she would relinquish the apartment and return it to her. Even though this would create a mess in terms of taxes, she was willing to go through with it.

No one mentioned the rental income again. As for why she felt the need to settle accounts so thoroughly, she didn’t say, and her mother didn’t ask.

Round one of the new dance: as the mother advanced, the daughter retreated—at least they hadn’t stepped on each other’s feet.

I asked how she felt after finally expressing her anger. She said she felt relieved. Though her daughter hadn’t apologized, at least she hadn’t clung to the apartment out of greed. Maybe, she thought, her daughter wasn’t just using her for money after all. In the days that followed, she felt noticeably lighter.

This reminded me of why she had come to see me in the first place seven years ago.

***

Within the span of two months before our first meeting, she had been rushed to the emergency room three times, convinced she was having a heart attack—shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, spots flashing before her eyes. Once at the supermarket, once after breakfast at home, and once at a dinner with friends. Each time, the symptoms had struck without warning. After extensive tests, aside from slightly elevated blood pressure and cholesterol, nothing abnormal was found. The hospital referred her to psychiatry, much to her shock. Skeptical but desperate for answers, she had come to see me—and in doing so, had begun the journey to understand herself.

Her diagnosis was panic disorder. People often assume panic attacks only happen during intense emotional distress, like in the movies. But in reality, they often strike out of nowhere—because emotions that have been suppressed for too long eventually break through, flooding the body the moment it finally feels safe enough to let go.

Emotions take many forms. They have colors—like traffic lights, guiding us through life’s crossroads. They have shapes and temperatures—sometimes soft and warm, wrapping us in comfort, other times sharp and cold, piercing us to the core. They have weight—sometimes making us feel light, other times dragging us down. But they cannot be seen or touched. They live within us, pulling the strings of our senses and memories. We may try to ignore them, but our bodies always remember. Day after day, year after year, unexpressed emotions don’t just disappear—they accumulate.

In cases like hers, long-term therapy is necessary. The process unfolds in stages: first, learning to recognize emotions, to see them not as inconveniences but as signals. Next, acceptance—allowing space for feelings, and accepting oneself for having feelings. Finally, breaking the cycle of repression, learning to express emotions in a healthy way, and navigating relationships differently. It sounds simple but each phase brings its own challenges. Each step requires shedding old layers, stepping out of comfort zones, redefining beliefs, and undergoing profound internal shifts. This mother had been on this journey for seven years. The fact that she now had the strength to confront her long-standing conflict with her daughter was proof of her transformation. The lightness she felt in her body after unburdening herself was a testament to her progress.

***

Round one of the new dance had come to a close—but new complications soon arose.

Round two: the mother no longer pressed forward, but the daughter kept retreating.

Hearing that her daughter was willing to give up the apartment had initially brought the mother some comfort. But after that, every invitation she extended was met with the excuse of being too busy.

She later learned that her daughter had returned to China—but throughout the entire trip, she didn’t receive a single phone call. What made the mother realize the gravity of the situation was that, when she finally got through on the phone, the daughter’s tone was polite but distant, overly formal, as if an ocean truly separated them.

“I wanted to offer an olive branch,” the mother said. “I sent her a message offering to bring her food and take care of her cat. She was flying back at midnight, and I thought it would be nice if she had a hot meal waiting.” She paused. “Guess what she replied?”

Before I could answer, she said, “She only wrote one word: ‘Really?’”

Seeing her reply, the mother felt something indescribable. “I think she feels the same way I do—maybe she doesn’t dare to hope for my love anymore, either. We’re both treading carefully. I guess this is just how our relationship is now—drifting farther and farther apart.” Her voice cracked, and she wiped away tears quietly.

She had poured all her love into that warm meal, hoping her daughter would taste the emotions she couldn’t put into words—her longing, her sorrow, her lingering affection. But her daughter ate in silence, without response. And so, life continued as if nothing had happened, their paths running parallel once more.

It seemed inevitable that the mother would soon be left dancing alone, the space around her growing emptier.

Until one day—Round Three erupted.

The mother needed to fill out a tax form, but she couldn’t access it without a password. She sent her daughter a message asking if she remembered it.

Furious, the daughter called back, shouting, “I gave up over a million dollars worth of property just so I wouldn’t have to deal with this! And now you’re dragging me back into it! You just wasted ten minutes of my time when I was in the middle of something important! I want a clean break—stop bothering me with this!”

Her mother was stunned into silence, overwhelmed by tears.

She had been willing to spend hours preparing her daughter’s favorite meal, braving the cold to deliver it fresh and warm. Yet her daughter wouldn’t even spare ten minutes for her—worse, she had lashed out instead. The injustice of it all made her voice tremble with grief.

The dance had faltered. This time, the daughter had stomped hard on her mother’s feet—leaving deep, aching bruises.

After three painful rounds, I could see the exhaustion and despair in her eyes. The light that once flickered there was now buried beneath her tears, leaving her looking drained and fragile.

Outside, the gentle snow had turned into a blizzard, blanketing the world in a heavy silence.

My heart sank with hers. To me, all these clashes revolved around one central theme. But how could I help her see it? How could I help her break this deadlock?

When a baby is still a single embryo, it clings to the warmth of the womb, receiving all its nutrients unilaterally through the mother’s blood. The baby enjoys the invitation of the mother’s body, indulging in pure receiving. After birth, the mother continues as the caregiver, always on standby to meet her child’s every need. Over time, as the child grows into an adult, the mother ages and begins to need care herself. Their roles gradually reverse, often without either of them realizing it. The child must shift from being a taker to a giver—a process that involves struggling to forgive the mother’s past shortcomings, processing the disappointments in their relationship, and letting go of the longing for the perfect love. Only then can the child truly embrace the responsibility of a caregiver.

The core of their conflict lies in how they experience love. The daughter is willing to give up her claim to the property, providing her mother with material security—just as her mother once did for her. In the past, the mother spared no expense to ensure her daughter received a good education, even sending her to private school in the UK with a meager working class salary from China. Focusing all her energy on pinching pennies, she never gave her daughter the emotional comfort she craved. When the daughter felt lonely and isolated in a foreign country, all she wanted was for her mother to stay on the phone a little longer, to offer some reassurance. Instead, what she got was her mother’s impatience—urging her to stop overthinking, to focus, to study harder.

The daughter is still waiting, still hoping that her mother will finally nurture and understand her emotionally. The old wound remains open, leaving little nourishment for new roles to grow.

“What do you think she wants from you?” I asked, cutting to the heart of the matter.

“I really don’t know.” She let out a long sigh, arms around her chest, lost and unsure. That was the disconnect between them—the signals they kept missing.

The question hung in the air. Both of us sat in silence, deep in thought.

Our session had come to an end. I wanted to offer her some words of comfort, but anything I say would be hollow. Not every therapy session ends with warmth and resolution. Sometimes, we must wait for the pauses in between for growth to take place.

With our mutual understanding, she wiped away her tears, put on her coat, and stepped back into the cold reality of her life.

After seeing her out, I wrapped up for the day. The sky had darkened. As I walked home through the thick snow, bundled tightly in layers, I still felt pierced by the remnant of our conversation. Perhaps it was because I, too, straddled the roles of both daughter and mother, navigating the complex emotions that came with switching between being the caregiver and the one cared for. Watching people rush through the snow-covered streets, I wondered how many of them were, at that very moment, struggling with their own relationships.

At night, once I shed my role as a doctor, I stepped into my role as a mother.

After a long day, we had dinner and followed the usual bedtime routine. Once my little ones were settled into bed, I watched their delicate faces, held their soft hands, and found it hard to imagine that one day, cracks might form in our relationships too. From the moment a child is born, from the instant they leave their mother’s body, the process of separation begins. The thought unsettled me.

Unable to help myself, I whispered, “Mommy will always love you.”

My daughter had already fallen asleep. My son, still awake, responded playfully, “But I only love you for half an hour at a time. For half an hour I love you, and for half an hour I don’t love you.” He had always been a precocious four-year-old, full of unexpected remarks.

Without hesitation, I replied, “Well, in the half-hour you don’t love me, I will still love you. My love won’t stop—it will always be there. Always and forever.”

He tilted his head, considering my words. Then he wrapped his arms around me, kissed me on the cheek, and murmured sleepily, “Then I’ll love you always and forever, too.” With that, he turned over and drifted off to sleep.

Late at night, I replayed both his innocent words and the unresolved question from my patient earlier in the day. Their voices echoed in my mind, filling the quiet night, creating a contrast so stark that it began to outline the shape of maternal love itself.

When a mother brings a child into this world, she is tasked to muster up the courage to continue loving, even during the moments when the love is unrequited. She must endure that stretch of time when the child turns away. This mother was now facing the trial of waiting.

In that space of waiting, she would have to pass through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. Along the way, she would also resent, blame, regret, feel frustrated, detached, endure and eventually, make peace with waiting, to hope that her child would turn back around when the time was right. A mother’s love is an unstoppable force; even when exhausted and drained, it refuses to be switched off.

Perhaps, more than anything, what the daughter needed was to hear her mother’s comfort, even when she had turned away. Just like a baby who crawls a few steps forward but keeps looking back—just to make sure that mother is still there, still watching, still loving. Only then can they move forward with confidence to explore more of the world.

The answer was starting to surface in my mind. There was still something I could teach this mother—how to use the power of words to express her love directly, in the moment, rather than through substitutes that left room for misunderstanding and deepened the fog of miscommunication. If she could feed her daughter’s heart with words, perhaps she could begin to change the course of their relationship. I sat up to write her an email, scheduling her next appointment.

Looking out the window, I saw that the snow had finally stopped.

To be continued…